Letter to my Dad part II

7-17-12

Dear Dad,

Those are words I never expected to write. I am your daughter, Amanda. I am not writing to ask for anything, to tell you I hate you, or that I want you in my life. I am writing you because after 32 years of life, I have learned that your absence affected me more than I would
like to admit. I am trying to heal and I need to share some things with you.

My mother is the strongest person I know and did an amazing job raising me alone. She put me above everything else in this world. I know she tried desperately to fill any void I had from not having you in my life. We are super close because of what we have endured over the years.

I’ve probably gone through every stage of mourning over the last 30 years. Even though you haven’t died, you’ve been estranged from me for so long. As a young girl, I remember loving you. I knew you were far away and I wouldn’t see you much, but I still had this
unexplainable love for you even though I knew nothing about you. I remember hating you at some point as well. I was so angry that you could “throw me away”, so to speak, without a second thought. It hit me hard when I graduated high school. You weren’t there to be proud of me for all I had accomplished or how hard I had worked.

Even still, after all these years, I wonder if you remember my birthday and if you think of me then, or any other day. I wondered if you ever married again or had any other children and if you had ever planned on contacting me. I wondered how I would know when you passed away and if I would ever see you before that happened.

I’ve only heard bits and pieces of the man you used to be. Mom only talked about you when I asked questions and she never said much until I was older. I heard some things through other family members. I don’t know details or even the worst of what happened because Mom won’t tell. I think she just can’t relive it and she doesn’t want me to. I have been divorced so I understand marrying someone who is wrong for you. I wasn’t myself when I was with him, and probably was the worst version I could be. Every word he spoke was a lie and one day I found out I had been married to a man I didn’t truly know. I get that you might have been
wrong for each other, but some things are inexcusable. I will never understand why you did some things you did. You may never understand it either, but know that people can change.

I don’t know what your life has been like, but I have seen for Facebook profile page and your mug shots online. I was so curious about what you were like now. I am not trying to scold you
or judge you and actually, this is just the opposite. I am writing this letter to tell you that I forgive you. Despite growing up fatherless in a time when it wasn’t common, having suffered
through loss, divorce, and health issues, my life has been so incredibly blessed through my relationship with Jesus. I don’t have enemies and I don ‘t want to harbor anger or hold a grudge. I don’t want to live my life judging anyone because I have been forgiven without deserving it and you can be forgiven too.

I can’t get my dad back on this Earth. I can’t get the 30 years I lost knowing you, but I can spend eternity with you in Heaven if you decide to make that choice. My heart aches at the thought of anyone I love suffering for their sins with no chance of ever seeing the face of God. I guess I do love you, even though I don’t know how to say it in a way that makes sense. I know a lot of people think that I shouldn’t, but God thinks I should and that’s affirmation
enough. You are still my dad.

A little girl is supposed to get her self-worth from her Daddy. You were supposed to be the first man to love me and tell me that you loved me and that I was beautiful. You were supposed to protect me and make me feel safe and show me how my future husband was
supposed to take care of me. I don’t know if you ever said any of those things. I was too young to remember. Maybe you didn’t. There are holes in my heart that can’t be filled, but I grew up strong and compassionate. The support from my faith and my family have made all the difference.

There are things I would like to tell you like accomplishments and talents, things that I love, about my husband and my two children, and how amazingly blessed my life has been. I know life is not a fairy tale and you may not even care to know any of those things. I’m not the little girl you abandoned so many years ago. This may be the only communication we ever have.

So my point is, I forgive you, God will forgive you if you ask Him. You may not always be able to make things right, but you can always try. You have the choice to change as long as you are breathing. I hope and pray you become the man God intended you to be whether you are ever in my life or not.

Love,
Amanda

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! (2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV)

I posted this back in August. I mailed my letter to my Dad, but left no return address. I recently went back to FB to see if maybe he had posted about getting it and this is what I found dates for August 19th.

My Dearest Daughter Amanda,

After 28 years of not hearing from you, I received the letter that you sent to me. You did not put a return address on or in it, so this will serve as my letter back to you, should you ever care to read it. Let me start off by saying that I did, do, and will always love you if for nothing more than the fact that you are a part of me. You say in your letter that you have seen my MySpace and Facebook profiles. I haven’t been on MySpace in 7 or so years. As far as my Facebook page when I first opened this account there was a very lengthy statement in my profile that I wrote in the hopes that you might one day see it. Apparently that didn’t happen. When your Aunt Sue contacted your mom last year, she stated that you had no place for your father’s’ side of family in your life. When I got out of prison in October of last year, I erased that lengthy statement because of what your mother had said to my sister regarding you. I tried for years to find you, even as recent as last October to no avail. I always felt that when you was old enough you might want to try and find me. From the day that your mother and I separated I made it a point to have a listed phone number and address. If for no other reason than to hope your search would be easy. You asked if I ever thought of you on your birthday or even remembered when it was? My answer: Yes, I know exactly when your birthday is July 11th 1980 Probably the proudest moment in my life. I knew then and still believe to this day that whatever else I failed at in life, in you I succeeded. No, I don’t have any other children of my own. I also knew then that you would be the only child I would ever have. You said in your letter that I threw you away. I can understand how you might feel that way, but, believe me it is the farthest thing from the truth. With circumstances what they were in 1983, when I got out of the Navy. You and your mother went to live with your Aunt Phyllis and I went back to KY. There was no other option at the time. I would call and talk to you on the phone more times than I can remember. After I came to see you in or around 1985 or 1986 you may not remember it, But I do. We went to the skating rink and I skated with you. Later, as time slipped away I would call and we would talk about any and everything. I sent a letter once and it came back return to sender I also sent birthday and Christmas cards which also came back return to sender. As time went on there was no address for you or your mother that I could find. I would hear about how you was doing from my Aunt Sue, you and your mother would visit her when ya’ll would come to KY to see your mother’s family. I lived 45 miles away and never even knew ya’ll where there until way after you left. I used to have old phone bills and the returned letters and cards so that I might one day be able to show you that I did try. Finally, I had to accept the fact that I may never see my proudest accomplishment in life. I have never stopped loving you and will continue to do so till the day God calls me home. I hope that you get to read this, so that you’ll know that I never forgot about you and that I think of you daily. I too have felt like part of me was missing, that you referred to in your letter. I will close this short novel with the hope that I will one day get to talk to and see my daughter again.

Love,
Dad

P. S. Dad is a word I have never been able to use, I thank you for addressing your letter as such.

Letting Go

I put in my resignation for Sumter Co. schools yesterday. This is what I needed to do. After the way I was treated when I put in my leave, I knew I never wanted to go back. So much has happened in the last few weeks and although I could fill pages and pages venting, it’s unimportant now because it’s behind me along with the people who caused such hurt. I refuse to stew or waste another minute of joy.

I know that my blog is public. Despite what some people think, I have nothing to hide. All I can do is pray for my friends that I leave behind and hope that the situation gets better for them.
I’m moving on and letting go. God really wanted me out of the toxic environment I was in and I’m starting to feel peace about everything. My pastor is incredibly wise and I’m thankful I can go to him with difficult decisions.

Mackenzie quickly fell in love with me being home more and Matthew is thrilled that I’ve been able to pick him up from school. I’ve gone 3 whole days without a nap which is a big deal for me lately. Yesterday, I was out running errands all day and so today Mackenzie is stuck to me like glue. I love it! Matthew has an early release day so I’ll get even extra time with him. I’m so excited for this new chapter in my life. Have a good day and be blessed whoever is reading this, from an old chapter or a new one. =)

Much to be Thankful For

So I have 3 days left as a music teacher before going on medical leave. I always wanted to be a music teacher, but I never imagined it would mean sacrificing my health, all my time, energy, and even my family. It’s been overwhelming in so many ways.

I can’t freely talk about a lot that’s going on at work right now, but I will say this…so many teachers have come up to me and told me they are jealous of me because I’m leaving. It just breaks my heart. These are excellent hard-working teachers without chronic illness who are overworked and just exhausted. Many won’t be back next year. It’s so sad.

Since deciding to go on medical leave, I have been asked to suck it up and push through the end of the year and I have been treated as if I have a mental illness instead of a physical one. Because leaving alone isn’t hard enough.

Despite popular belief, this is not something that I just decided on a whim and it’s not something that I ever wanted. It’s just what I have to do to put my health first. I can not physically continue the way I have been. This means we have financial pressures more than ever. My husband will have to work extra shifts. I will work part-time at nothing close to what I make now. We will have to adjust our budget tremendously and already has and will continue to strain our marriage.

The opportunity to buy a house right now has vanished. Curtis doesn’t have enough credit so we had started the process and contract under my finances and credit. Now I won’t make enough. Curtis is upset that we will have to wait a year for him to build credit, but I am confident in God’s timing.

I had to explain to 49 classes at my school that I was “taking a break” to get better and that they will have a sub until the end of the year…not an easy task by any means. Some students cried.

I’ve had pain, fatigue, headaches, and joint issues this week. I’m trying to pack up my personal things, get sub plans ready, and get ready for my annual evaluation next week on top of my regular teaching schedule of 10 classes a day. It’s been super stressful at school and I’ve dealt with a lot of behaviors less than ideal this week in particular.

You may think I made a mistake in the title of this post. So much to be thankful for? Sounds more like a nightmare, right?

In spite of all of this madness, I have friends that have the opportunity to encourage me through scripture and prayer. I have chronic pain sisters on twitter that I’ve never met who support me daily and know exactly what I’m going through in this broken body. They get it when no one else does. I have the best landlords/friends on the planet who assured us we can stay and rent as long as we need to. I have a former boss/friend who has already offered me a part-time job where I can take Mackenzie with me and be done in time to get Matthew from school. I have an amazingly wise pastor who pours his wisdom and prayers into my life. I have wisdom of Christ-followers who remind me that God is in control and He will get me through this. I dig deeper into prayer and scripture because I can’t possibly go another day without it. I need it to go on from day to day.

God will show up in amazing ways and He already has. I am faithful. My favorite verse this week?

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9 NIV)

Praise the Lord my God is with me. Let me unafraid, strong, and courageous. Amen.

Pressing On

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:13, 14 NIV)

God has really been working in me the last few weeks. I am no longer mourning the sudden end of my music education career. I am not looking at what is being lost, I am focusing on what is being gained.

The fact is that the job I have has been affecting my health tremendously in a negative way. I’ve been dealing with this mysterious chronic illness, fatigue, and pain for about three and a half years now and the past year has been so overwhelming with stress and pain that it’s undeniably too much for my body to handle.

My medical leave begins the 27th and will continue through the end of the school year. Due to student loans and medical costs, there is no way we can afford for me to not work at all. Amazingly enough, God has already provided a job for me!

Ms. Pearl is a former boss/daycare owner/friend of mine who needs a VPK
teacher. I worked for her when Matthew was a baby and we’ve kept in touch all these years. I used her daycare for my Kindermusik classes 2 summers ago. =)

This position is part-time Monday through Friday from 8am to 12pm. She’s offering me a very good hourly salary for childcare and Mackenzie will be able to attend for free. She will be in my VPK class in August when she’s old enough! This means I’ll be with her ALL the time and I’ll be able to pick Matthew up from school EVERY afternoon and help him with his homework!

Of course, we will still have to make some cutbacks and financial adjustments. Curtis will be trying to pick up extra shifts, but at least I will still be contributing something and I still get to use my certification and experience with kids. I’m so excited to have the extra time at home and less stress at work. The schedule is way more conducive to a life of chronic illness. Mackenzie and I can nap each day after school. She’s so excited about starting “school” in 2 weeks! Matthew said, “Mom, there are more important things than money.” Oh how I love it!

I’ve already started a VPK board on Pinterest so I can pin all the great ideas I find. With my prior 45 hrs in childcare certification from DCF, my teacher certification and my CPR, I shouldn’t need any further training. The 4 years of teaching K will really come in handy because I know what they should know going in. Of course, I’ll incorporate TONS of music! Ms. Pearl is so excited that I’ll be working for her. It’s nice to feel appreciated!

Oh and this job is 10 min from my house! So I’m going from driving 35min one way out of district, leaving early, getting home late, teaching 49 classes a week preK-5th to driving 10 min away, working 4hrs a day, and being home with my kids each afternoon. Praise the Lord!!!

Thank you again for the prayers and encouragement! Please keep them coming. I know the financial strain will be rough, but I truly believe it’s worth it for my health and time with my family.

God is faithful.

God is Faithful.

Last week, I was in despair, making a very difficult decision to take a medical leave from teaching for the remainder of the school year.

This week, I am at peace with my decision. I have a job already lined up that will be better for my health and my time with my children.

It’s not going to be easy of course, but nothing that’s truly worth it ever is. We’ll make cuts where we need to and do what we can.

I can feel the anxiety and fear melt away as I seek God deeper through scripture and I can honestly say that I FEEL the prayers of those praying for me. I feel my spirit encouraged each day. I am so greatly blessed with amazing prayer warrior friends & family.

I pray that my husband feels this support that I feel through all this. I pray that he will see God provide in a tangible way and know that there is nothing coincidental about this timing in our lives. God has my back. I love it!

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, (Hebrews 12:28 NIV)

Cannot be shaken. Oh how I love that. =)

Amen.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Do Not Lose Heart

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV)

It has been an incredibly rough few days, weeks, months…

I am encouraged by God’s word and daily I am seeking Him through this. I am doing what is right though many are against me, and expect me to give in. I may not have this, but GOD does.

I’m making the decision to stop mourning what is being lost and celebrate what is being gained. Through this I know who supports me and encourages me, who prays for me, and I hear testimony daily of how Jesus will provide.

It is hard? Definitely. Is it worth it? Absolutely! I am growing through my trials in character and wisdom and I am growing in Christ. Amen.

Under Attack

I am under attack. I don’t know any other way to put it. My health, my marriage, my finances, and my spirit. It’s crushing and I can barely breathe.

I know I’m doing the right thing. I am. It helps so much to hear the support of others who understand and tell me this is the best decision. It helps to know I have people I don’t even know reading this and praying for me and my circumstances.

My husband doesn’t feel the same way though. He’s very loving and supportive, but this is putting so much pressure on him to work extra shifts and opposite shifts and I know that. He’s never had an issue working 2 jobs, but that was before it was an obligation. There was no pressure before and now there is. He’s starting to show the stress of what he feels and I’m feeling the guilt of not being able to continue and take that burden from him.

Yesterday I talked to HR about putting in the FML for the last 12 weeks of the school year which will put my last day on the 28th. The FML means the school board will continue to pay their part of my insurance coverage and I’ll pay mine. After that, I would go into a leave of absence and have to pay it all, which of course is outrageous.

I didn’t have classes yesterday due to the early dismissal yesterday, praise the Lord, because I had tears streaming down my face all day long. Every email response, text, and tweet made me cry all over again. I’m such an emotional mess right now. My kids have seen me cry more than I’ve ever wanted them to this week. I can’t stop. You’d think my body would have a limit for tears eventually. Apparently thats something I don’t have a deficiency in, unlike iron and B12. Go figure.

If I thought I could carry on through the end of the year, I would do it. I would never ever put myself and my family into this situation if I thought I could take it. Last night, I could barely get out of bed to tuck in my kids…its happening more and more lately. I was in so much pain I couldn’t move. The stress of everything is counteracting the prednisone because I’m never in this much pain when I’m treated with that medication.

I stayed up until midnight looking at job sites online. I have to work somehow. I have the student loans and the ins. and I have to take the load off Curtis. What can I do? The last 6 years have been teaching. My BA is in Liberal Studies with music, education, and religious studies minor. I have tons of experience in music & education and not much else.

I’ve done the cashier jobs and all that before, but Curtis wants me to find a new career, not just a job. He says I have a BA and he’s not going to let me take a $7 hr job. I have no idea where to go from here. I need something that won’t be too much with the chronic illness and will give me more time with the kids and pays off. Any idea what this perfect career choice is? If so, do tell because I haven’t seen it on monster or career builder yet.

I can do tutoring and private lessons but that’s not going to be enough. I wish there was something I could do from home that would work to give me the time with kids, but I don’t want to do my own business thing after Kindermusik and I can’t do anything that requires a large investment of money.

Please continue to pray, text, tweet, email, post, and comment because I need it SO much. My faith is certainly being tested and I’m holding on to the promises of God. Help me hold on!

Feeling the Pressure

So here I am now, following up to last week’s post with a decision to apply for a leave of absence from my job.

Can we afford it? No way. Can I afford not to do this? No way. I’m at the point now where I have cried for days with the overwhelming failure of my schedule, body, health, career, motherhood, etc etc.

It’s all too demanding with 2 young children, a husband, living out of district, and suffering with health that is truly deteriorating before my eyes. I’ve been living with the feeling of being trapped in this cycle of stress and exhaustion that never ceases. The work never ends. There’s nothing left for myself or my family because I’m too exhausted or in too much pain.

In the last few years, there’s been the diagnosis of polycystic ovarian syndrome, fibromyalgia, sleep apnea, iron-deficiency, rosacea, and now possibly the onset of RA. The doctor appointments and medications never end. I always wanted to be a music teacher, but I had no way of knowing all this would come to pass by the time I was 32-yrs-old. I always wanted to be a good mother and be able to spend time with my children and that’s more important to me always than a job.

Regardless, I have student loans I’m still paying off from my BA. I need the health insurance with all my doctor appointments and medications. I’m not going to find the salary I have now and the holidays but I have to find a better balance for daily life than what I’ve been suffering through. I don’t want to end up disabled in the next year because of the toll the stress is taking on my body.

This will greatly affect our family. I don’t know where this leaves us on buying a house now, we will have to make some cutbacks on luxuries like my iPhone and eating out once and awhile. The grocery bill will have to be cut down. I’ll have to keep working somehow because even with Curtis working 2 jobs, it won’t replace my income. I already have guilt from failing on so many levels each day for so long and now this. I’m just at the point where I don’t know what else to do.

This is my 6th year teaching and I’ll be honest, every year has been hard. Some things get better, but never easy. I’ve never felt like I can’t make it the 3 months until the end of the year. This time, I just can’t. My precious 3-yr-old asked me yesterday, “where’s it hurt, Momma? I’ll kiss it!”

The stress is piling on and piling on. Just as an example, I was put on a lesson study team without my knowledge and was late to a meeting I didn’t know about this week. Apparently, it was discussed last week when I was out sick. So I have the lesson study team, PBS team, grade level meetings, domain 4 meetings, and faculty meetings. I’m in charge of the announcements and the news video, plus my own 49 classes a week PK-5th (approx. 860 students) we have All-County, Earth Day, Honor Chorus, and 5 performances of the Spring program coming up before the end of the year. My evaluation is March 1st and once we start testing SAT 10 and FCAT, they will probably pull me to proctor on top of all that again. The load is so heavy. I’ve never had blood sugar issues before and after passing out at school this year, I’ve had to be careful. It’s one thing after another.

Please continue to pray for me and my family. Pray that God will lead me with wisdom where He needs me now and that I will gladly follow, no matter how frightening the path. Pray for the strain on our family. This is a very difficult and emotional time and I truly need encouragement. I thank you so much for being there for me when I need you most. Now is that time.

Please let me know of job opportunities that may fit my situation if you know any, keep reading and praying, God bless you all!

The Latest on Chronic Illness

I went to my rheumatologist on Wednesday because I’ve been having redness, swelling, and incredible pain in a joint in my hand for 4 days. My Mom was diagnosed with RA at 29 and I was misdiagnosed with it once already.

A lot of auto-immune diseases go together and I don’t know many people who only have one so I’m watching my symptoms carefully. I have to advocate for my own health because just like with the apnea, doctors will blame everything on the fibro.

The doctor put me on Prednisone to help with the flare. After my labs last time he said I need to have iron supplements, the multi-vitamin isn’t enough. He said that I’m severely iron deficient. There is swollen tissue in my joint, but it’s too early to tell if it’s RA, but it might be the beginning. Back in 6 wks. I’ve had a positive RA factor for years, but I didn’t have the swelling and joint pain until now.

I will be honest, the last few weeks have been super rough. The combination of extra stress, whacky weather, and chronic illness have certainly taken a toll on my body, thoughts, and mind.

I called in sick Mon and Tue because I was sick, but I also was in lots of pain and really needed a mental health break. I cried for 2 days just thinking about how much I wish I had more energy for my kids and husband. Matthew was so excited because I was able to drop him off at school and pick him up. I never get to do that. I leave early and I’m the last one to get home. By the time I get home, I’m drained of every ounce of energy. It’s a struggle just to play outside with my kids. It breaks my heart.

Pain every day that you breathe is hard enough. Chronic illness is so much more than physical pain though,it’s an ongoing battle of survival from day to day. I thought my health was bad last year, but this year things have been much worse. I finally got the treatment for the sleep apnea, so I’m not falling asleep behind the wheel daily anymore, thank the Lord! I still have the pain and fatigue from the fibromyalgia. I have the fibro-fog at times that make me forget the simplest things which is another reason why I try to write everything down. I still wake up a lot during the night, have stiffness, numbness, burning, migraines, hair loss, hormonal issues, stomach issues, light-headedness, etc etc.

My schedule is demanding more so than ever before with 49 classes a week. My only planning is as soon as I walk in and at the very end of the day. I do announcements, then I generally have 8 classes back to back, 30 min lunch duty, 30 min lunch at 12:45pm and then my last 2 classes. I have no minutes in between classes because one class is knocking at my front door as one class is leaving out the back door. This schedule would be demanding even for a healthy teacher I believe, much less me. I drive 35min each way. Wildwood is very inner-city attitude and behavior-wise and I have to combat behaviors more than teaching music with some of my classes. Teaching in Wildwood is not like teaching anywhere else in this area. There’s no doubt about that! I LOVE our kids, but it is stressful and disheartening at times.

Today I started reading work accommodations for people with fibromyalgia. Maybe I can use them to help adjust my schedule a little next year. It’s scary to think that I might need accommodations at work, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m falling apart. Some days I can’t even get out of bed after I get home. The pain and muscle fatigue is too great to move.

I want more time with my kids. I need to be the one helping Matthew with homework. I have more patience with him and his studies. I want to have the energy to play basketball with him and walk with Mackenzie riding her tricycle. I want to have the energy to take them to the park on the weekend instead of trying to recover from the week. The guilt of not being able to do certain things crushes my spirit.

I’ve always wanted to teach music and I love it, but that was before the chronic illness took over my body. Now I might have RA to deal with as well. I know my body can’t take 33 more years of this the way it’s going. I can’t afford to quit working and I have to have health insurance with all of the dr. appts and medications I take.

Please, please, please keep praying for me to have wisdom and strength in this matter. Something has to change for me to start doing better. I can’t keep putting my job first and my health last. Any and all prayers and encouragement accepted!